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I was married for 16 years but at 56 I鈥檝e been on my own 鈥� post-divorce 鈥� for a further 16 years. In these latter years I raised my son, built a career, travelled the world, built a network of friends and for the most part have lived happily ever single.

And yet, no matter how content I have been, those rather patronising head tilts kept on coming. Oh, poor you. Still single? Are you dating? Have you met someone? Don鈥檛 worry, you鈥檒l find someone eventually. Always the sympathetic concern, as if I were just waiting for someone to make me happy again. 鈥楤ut I am happy,鈥� I would insist. 听

Then I went to therapy, and in the very space meant to challenge outdated narratives I found my therapist started to subtly reinforce the idea that my single status was a problem to fix. That being alone must mean loneliness and that choosing to remain single was an attachment issue to be unravelled rather than a choice to be respected.听

I soon discovered I wasn鈥檛 alone in this experience. 鈥榃hen I went to therapy I quickly realised that a lot of it just wasn鈥檛 designed for single people,鈥� says Nicola Slawson, journalist, author of Single: living a complete life on your own terms (Headline Home) and founder of . 鈥業 was in a 16-week dynamic interpersonal therapy programme, and the questions assumed I had a partner. When I explained that I was single and not dating, the therapist still seemed to think that was the issue I should be working on. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 have a boyfriend,鈥� I told her, but she kept bringing up dating as if it was the natural next step.鈥櫶�

In another therapy setting Slawson had to work through exercises that seemed entirely built around people in relationships. 鈥業 remember thinking, 鈥淎m I supposed to talk about my mum and sister? My friends?鈥� It just didn鈥檛 fit. Even in group therapy people would say things like, 鈥淏ut you鈥檙e great 鈥� why are you single?鈥� as if there must be a hidden reason. One person even asked, 鈥淒o you think you鈥檝e decided to be single?鈥� as if it was some kind of psychological block rather than just how my life had evolved. I started to realise that even in spaces designed for selfreflection there was an ingrained belief that single people must either be looking for a partner or have some unresolved issue that kept them alone.鈥櫶�

After that experience Slawson became more cautious when choosing a therapist. 鈥業 even started putting it in my emails: 鈥淛ust so you know, I鈥檓 single. I don鈥檛 want therapy that focuses on dating.鈥� It was like I had to pre-emptively defend my single status to avoid being pushed into conversations I didn鈥檛 want. The reality is a lot of single people are content 鈥� many of us have deep social connections, fulfilling careers and rich, independent lives. But therapy, like much of society, still assumes that being in a romantic partnership is the ultimate goal.鈥櫶�

Therapy Today, May 2025

Single positivity

The therapy world needs to take note because times are changing. Singlehood is getting a much-needed rebrand, and the 鈥榮ingle positivity movement鈥� is leading the charge to resist the 鈥榣onely spinster鈥� or 鈥榗reepy bachelor鈥� tropes. It鈥檚 driven by numbers 鈥� nearly one in three households (30%) in the UK are now made up of people living alone.¹ We have seen single-person households rise by 16% between 1997 and 2017, reaching 7.7 million 鈥� a number projected to hit 10.7 million by 2039, according to the Office for National Statistics.^2听

This is far from a UK phenomenon. The US Census Bureau reports that 117.9 million US adults are currently single 鈥� widowed, divorced or never married 鈥� an increase of over two million in just a year.³ In 2019 38% of US adults aged 25-54 were unpartnered, up from 29% in 1990.⁴ Meanwhile, a United Nations report highlights the increasing age at first marriage, and a growing percentage of people worldwide reaching their late 40s without ever marrying.⁵听

Far from being lonely or unfulfilled, research is showing that single people are thriving. Studies suggest that those who remain single between the ages of 40 and 85 report increasing levels of life satisfaction.⁶ Women in particular do well when single 鈥� a meta-analysis of 10 studies (2018-2023) found that single women reported higher life satisfaction, better relationship status satisfaction, greater sexual satisfaction and a lower desire for a partner compared to single men. Researchers suggested that strong social connections outside of romance play a big role.^7听

Sociologist Kimberly Martinez Phillips鈥� 2024 study blows another hole in the tired old stereotype that single people 鈥� including single women of colour 鈥� must be lonely, sad and somehow missing out.⁸ She interviewed 40 women, aged between 36 and 61, who were single (not married, not cohabiting, not in a committed romantic relationship), had never been married and had chosen not to have kids. From various minoritised backgrounds, these women were dealing with sexism and singlism layered with the added weight of racism, but their stories weren鈥檛 full of 鈥榩oor me鈥� narratives. Quite the opposite 鈥� they spoke of joy, freedom, deep friendships, financial independence and peace of mind.听

Rather than lonely, singles are creating thriving communities of like-minded people, says business coach John Williams, founder of Crazy Successful, who spent many years single and says for him singlehood was never about isolation. A key part of this was his men鈥檚听group, which has been running for over two decades. 鈥榃e meet every two weeks and talk about everything 鈥� relationships, career struggles, existential dread, you name it,鈥� he says. 鈥業f I鈥檓 struggling emotionally I have friends who actually listen. And I was happily single.鈥�

Now in a relationship, Williams鈥� approach hasn鈥檛 changed. 鈥業 was happy before, and I鈥檓 happy now. The difference is, I wasn鈥檛 waiting for this. I wasn鈥檛 incomplete before 鈥� there was nothing missing.鈥櫶�

Single and satisfied听

Dr Bella DePaulo, a leading expert on single life and author of Single at Heart: the power, freedom, and heart-filling joy of single life (Apollo), has spent years challenging societal assumptions about singledom. Since 2008 she has been writing the 鈥楲iving single鈥� blog for Psychology Today, advocating for a perspective that sees single life as not just viable but deeply fulfilling.听

鈥楤ecause we are embracing our single lives rather than trying to escape them,鈥� DePaulo writes, 鈥榳e develop strengths, skills, resources and attitudes that are less often honed by those who lead a conventionally partnered life.鈥� Instead of pouring time, money and emotional energy into pursuing a romantic partner and maintaining a relationship, single people invest in experiences that make their lives meaningful, she says. 鈥楢nd the best part? These experiences can never be taken away from us by a divorce or any other casualty of coupling.鈥櫶�

Far from growing lonelier with time, research shows that single people tend to become increasingly content with their lives. A 2021 study found that across the entire adult lifespan, those who were not seeking a romantic partner were especially likely to find their single lives growing听more fulfilling as they aged.⁹ 鈥楥ontrary to the stereotypes, we just keep getting happier and happier,鈥� DePaulo says.

But, as DePaulo points out, history has already seen many such 鈥榖edrock beliefs鈥� shattered. 鈥業s it abnormal to be attracted to people of your own gender? We know better now. Is a woman鈥檚 place in the home? Oh, please. Is it only natural for women to want kids? That doesn鈥檛 seem obvious anymore.鈥櫶�

In much the same way, the idea that lifelong singlehood is a fate to be avoided may soon be another outdated myth 鈥� one that research and experience are proving wrong, one fulfilled single life at a time.听

Nicola Slawson听

Explaining the rise听

Little research has been carried out into the reasons driving the rise in singlehood. What we do know is that it isn鈥檛 just about personal choice 鈥� but rather being shaped by shifting societal habits, economic independence and changing social dynamics. Researcher Libby Bear points to the 鈥榩rofound cultural change that has occurred since the 1960s, and most notably the strengthening of individualistic values and the decline in commitment to the collective and traditional institutions鈥�.¹⁰ It could be argued that post-COVID, individualism has been further compounded by the decline of in-person socialising, the dominance of digital entertainment, the rise of working from home and the increasing reliance on smartphones.听

In more recent times with the ubiquity of dating apps, it seems that dating itself has become a less appealing prospect, with 78% of dating app users reporting emotional exhaustion from the experience.¹¹ Instead, many are investing in friendships, careers and self-fulfilment outside of romance.听

But the key driver is likely to be economic status and the growth of financial independence 鈥� as UCLA economist Kathleen McGarry puts it: 鈥榃hen people have the financial freedom to live alone they often choose to. Instead of chasing a partner they鈥檙e investing in friendships, careers and themselves.鈥櫶�

Unhelpful tropes听

Living life as a single person is not without its challenges, but understanding those challenges requires us to look beyond the context of dating and understand how societal structures are set up to exclude them. This includes those from the LGBTQ+ community, says Jeremy Sachs, an integrative psychotherapist and author of An Intersectional Guide for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse and their Allies: masculinity reconnected (Routledge). 鈥楨verything is geared towards couples, whether that is straight or queer. You go to events and you鈥檙e expected to be part of a couple. If you鈥檙e brave enough to go to a restaurant alone, you鈥檙e asked, 鈥漌ill anybody be joining you?鈥� Even trying to book a table for one can be an issue because the option isn鈥檛 always there. The constant message from family, society and media is that you should be in a relationship by now 鈥� and if you鈥檙e not, then something must be wrong with you.鈥櫶�

He adds that some of the pressure to conform comes from within the queer community. Even queer spaces can have an internalised heteronormative expectation of relationships, he says, and choosing to be single in the queer community is often more complex than mainstream narratives suggest. 鈥業t鈥檚 not a homogeneous group of support. You still get, 鈥淵ou two have been seeing each other for 10 years, why don鈥檛 you just move in together?鈥� One of the challenges for queer people is that they don鈥檛 grow up with a clear template for what their relationships should look like,鈥� he says. 鈥楬eteronormativity dictates that being in a couple is the default, but queer people often have to ask themselves 鈥� what do I actually want? That can be freeing but also comes with societal pressures and assumptions.听

鈥楩or instance, gay men can be fetishised or oversexualised by straight society, and while parts of gay culture take a liberal approach to sex many others may choose to live independently or have long-term, meaningful connections that don鈥檛 fit traditional heteronormative or homonormative relationship models.鈥櫶�

鈥楳any queer people go through a lot of trauma through homophobia, so often that鈥檚 why we seek therapy,鈥� says Rosie Wilby, author of The Breakup Monologues (Green Tree). 鈥楤eing consciously single as a queer person is not a leap, but we are more used to the dating app world because we have always had to filter our choices. We couldn鈥檛 just ask someone out on the bus.鈥櫶�

Jeremy Sachs

Solo parenthood听

Although the UK fertility rate recently dropped to an all-time low, long-term singlehood does not preclude becoming a parent.¹² While many single people are happily child free by choice, many still do desire children, and there has been a corresponding rise in solo parenthood by choice. According to Susan Golombok, Professor of Family Research and Director of the Centre for Family Research at the University of Cambridge, long-term singlehood is part of a wider evolution of family structures from donor conception and surrogacy to single parenthood by choice and same-sex parenting. In her book We Are Family: what really matters for parents and children (Scribe UK), she highlights the persistent societal biases that continue to shape people鈥檚 views on family. Despite increasing acceptance, many single parents by choice, same-sex parents and those who conceive via surrogacy or egg and sperm donation still face outdated prejudices. Her studies have shown that children raised in high-conflict marriages often fare worse than those raised in stable single-parent households. 鈥榃hat matters most for children is not the make-up of their family but their parents鈥� love,鈥� she writes.听

runs a coaching platform for single mothers by choice. As a solo mother to a seven year- old, Johnson understands the societal assumptions placed on single parents, and actively challenges outdated narratives. 鈥榊es, it can be difficult financially because there鈥檚 only one income, but it鈥檚 annoying to be constantly up against this idea that a child will automatically do better in a traditional two-parent set-up,鈥� she says. 鈥楶eople assume that solo parenting must be twice as hard, that my child will struggle because she doesn鈥檛 have a father, or that this was a second-best option for me. But the reality is, this was the best choice I could make.鈥櫶�

Johnson is passionate about breaking down biases, particularly within therapy and coaching spaces. 鈥楾herapists need to check their assumptions,鈥� she explains. 鈥榃e鈥檝e been raised on the narrative that happiness means finding 鈥淭he One鈥�, getting married and raising children together. But that鈥檚 just one path. The reality is, satisfaction and meaning comes from creating a life that aligns with your own values, not someone else鈥檚 expectations.鈥櫶�

For Johnson solo parenthood has been an empowering journey, one she hopes more women will feel confident exploring. 鈥楾he best decision I ever made was choosing to become a mother on my own terms. It鈥檚 not about missing听out 鈥� it鈥檚 about taking control of your own happiness.鈥�

Shahed Ezaydi

Therapy bias听

Journalist Shahed Ezaydi, author of The Othered Woman: how white feminism harms Muslim women (Unbound), is 30, single and 鈥榤ostly fine with it鈥�, she says. 鈥業 love my independence. I have a career I care about, I make my own plans and I don鈥檛 have to compromise on what I want. But then, there are moments 鈥� small but sharp 鈥� where doubt creeps in. A dinner where I鈥檓 the only one without a plus-one. A friend casually mentioning she鈥檚 freezing her eggs. My mum dropping a comment about how she鈥檇 love grandkids.鈥櫶�

Ezaydi is considering therapy but she is hesitating. 鈥榃ill a therapist assume that being single is my biggest problem? Will I have to perform relentless positivity or, worse, defend why I don鈥檛 have a partner? Because the truth is, it鈥檚 complicated. Some days I feel entirely at peace with it; other days I feel a pang of loneliness, a sense of missing out on something I鈥檓 not even sure I want,鈥� she says.听

As more people embrace singlehood and single parenthood as a valid, fulfilling lifestyle, therapists are being challenged to examine whether their training and biases align with this cultural shift. Many therapeutic models still operate under the assumption that romantic relationships are a key marker of adult wellbeing. But is this assumption inadvertently marginalising those who are consciously single?听

I spoke to some therapists in training who were willing to speak anonymously. 鈥楧uring some CPD training I got into a discussion about my single status with a therapy colleague. When I put it to them that there was nothing wrong with being single, they told me that while there鈥檚 nothing wrong with it, nobody can truly be happy single,鈥� said Jane.* 鈥業 felt alarmed but not surprised. The attitude that being single is an unnatural state or the result of some attachment wound prevails. Not all therapists hold these views, but it got me thinking about the impact of attitudes like this in the profession. If that鈥檚 what this therapist genuinely believes, then how are they sitting in the room with a single person who enters the room?鈥櫶�

Paula,* who was single when she began her therapy training, was also concerned about the unconscious bias she encountered. 鈥榃hen I first qualified as a therapist I was asked, 鈥淗ow can you help people with their relationship problems if you haven鈥檛 got your own relationship life sorted yet?鈥濃�� The implication was twofold: first, that being single meant her life wasn鈥檛 鈥榮orted鈥�, and second, that she couldn鈥檛 support people in relationships simply because she wasn鈥檛 in one.听

I spoke to Debbie Keenan M网爆门 (Snr Accred) who is single and works extensively with single clients. 鈥楾herapy training often frames being single as a temporary state or a problem to be solved,鈥� she says. 鈥楾here鈥檚 an implicit message that fulfilment comes from finding a partner.鈥櫶�

Keenan notes that many of her single clients struggle with judgment 鈥� from family, society and sometimes even their own therapists. 鈥楶eople assume they must be lonely, unhappy or just haven鈥檛 鈥渕et the right person yet鈥�. Even well-meaning therapists can slip into the 鈥渄on鈥檛 worry, you鈥檒l find someone鈥� mindset, reinforcing the idea that singlehood is a temporary state rather than a fulfilling choice.听

Keenan emphasises that therapists must recognise singlehood as a valid听lifestyle. 鈥楾herapists shouldn鈥檛 assume that everyone wants a romantic relationship. Satisfaction doesn鈥檛 hinge on coupledom or any kind of intimate, romantic partnership,鈥� she says.

Charlotte Fox Weber M网爆门 (Accred), author of What We Want (Wildfire), has also witnessed therapists pathologising singlehood, suggesting that not seeking a relationship is a form of avoidance rather than a valid life choice. 鈥楾here鈥檚 also the risk of misinterpreting single clients as emotionally unavailable, asexual or commitment-phobic,鈥� she says. 鈥楾here are often attachment theory discussions in training programmes which assume that someone who has never been in a long-term relationship must have an avoidant attachment style or unresolved childhood wounds. The idea that someone might be securely single by choice doesn鈥檛 seem to be explored as much.鈥櫶�

Fox Weber suggests checking for bias in language. 鈥業nstead of asking, 鈥淎re you dating anyone?鈥� therapists could ask: 鈥淲hat does your social life look like?鈥� This acknowledges relationships beyond the romantic and doesn鈥檛 imply that dating is the default goal.鈥櫶�

Keenan adds that attachment assumptions need to be reconsidered. 鈥楯ust because someone is single doesn鈥檛 mean they have an avoidant attachment style. Secure attachment can manifest in friendships, family connections and even solitude.鈥櫶�

Reframing societal narratives is another crucial step. 鈥楬elp clients challenge societal messages that equate success with marriage or partnership,鈥� says Fox Weber. 鈥楳any of my clients feel immense relief when they don鈥檛 have to conform to this outdated script.鈥櫶�

Keenan also highlights the importance of encouraging a broad definition of intimacy. 鈥楨motional fulfilment doesn鈥檛 only come from romantic relationships. Therapists should help clients build, community ties, self-fulfilment and strong friendships.鈥� Last year, a Time magazine article asked 鈥業s friendship therapy the next big thing in mental health?鈥�, seemingly recognising the growing importance of platonic relationships. As friendships take on a bigger role in our emotional wellbeing, therapists might well consider incorporating friendship therapy into their services and marketing to meet this rising demand.听

It鈥檚 also important to hold in mind intersectional challenges, says Sachs. 鈥楶articularly in the queer community, there are often multiple intersectional challenges and societal expectations that get in the way of working out what someone authentically wants 鈥� regardless of whether they choose to be partnered, have multiple partners or choose to remain single. Therapy can be a place where they can unpack those challenges, question why some feel particularly difficult, figure out their authentic selves and get in touch with their own queer joy. He emphasises that for many the challenge of being single is about more than just external pressures 鈥� it鈥檚 about the deeper, often unconscious emotional responses to those pressures.鈥櫶�

John Williams

Build connection听

As the number of single people continues to rise, therapy training must evolve to reflect this reality. Therapists have a responsibility to examine their own biases and ensure they are supporting 鈥� not pathologising 鈥� their single clients.听

鈥榃e need more real conversations about this,鈥� says Keenan. 鈥楳ore single voices in research, more representation at conferences and more therapists who recognise that singlehood isn鈥檛 a failure 鈥� it鈥檚 just one of many valid, fulfilling ways to live.鈥櫶�

Fox Weber adds, 鈥楾herapists are in the ideal position to be curious, open-minded and prepared to challenge outdated narratives about relationships. At the end of the day our job is to help clients live authentically 鈥� whether they鈥檙e single, partnered or somewhere in between.鈥櫶�

Therapist support听

Mel Johnson suggests group therapeutic support works well for supporting solo parents. 鈥楾he power of group support for solo mothers by choice is undeniable,鈥� she says. 鈥楯ust introducing themselves and realising there are 12 other women in the same position is enough to be life-changing.鈥� Many women arrive feeling isolated, battling societal assumptions that single parenthood is a second-best choice, she says. But in a room full of people making the same decision, the narrative shifts. 鈥楾here鈥檚 this huge relief 鈥� 鈥淚t鈥檚 not just me!鈥濃�� says Johnson.听

For therapists working with solo parents by choice, the biggest challenge is confronting their own unconscious biases. 鈥楾herapists need to recognise that solo parenthood isn鈥檛 a compromise 鈥� it鈥檚 a choice, and for many women it鈥檚 the best one they鈥檒l ever make.鈥� Instead of focusing on what鈥檚 鈥榤issing鈥�, the real work is helping such parents see the strength, autonomy and joy in creating a family on their own terms.听

Slawson emphasises the need to move away from centring around romantic relationships in therapy, as many clients seek support for career struggles, family dynamics, self-identity or personal growth.听

While not assuming a client鈥檚 single status is the root of their problems or reason for seeking therapy, there does need to be an acknowledgment of how the structural disadvantages facing single people, such as the cost of living, housing policies and financial instability, disproportionately affect those without a partner to share expenses. Single people are also more likely to rent 鈥� for example, a single person in full-time employment would need to borrow seven times their annual earnings to purchase the average property in the UK. 鈥楽ingle people are likely to feel less financially secure than partners without children, with fewer reporting that they have money left over at the end of the week or month,鈥� she says. 鈥楾he UK Government鈥檚 report on poverty includes sections on disability, race and employment, but there鈥檚 no chapter on the correlation between poverty and relationship status,鈥� she says.听

The essence of good therapy is treating every client as an individual and helping them lead a more fulfilling life, whatever that may look like for them, and that still applies if they鈥檙e single. As Shahed Ezaydi puts it: 鈥業 know I don鈥檛 need fixing. I just want space to sit with the uncertainty 鈥� to acknowledge that I can be both happy and conflicted, that singlehood isn鈥檛 a flaw to correct but a reality to navigate.鈥櫶�

When I did end up with the right therapist, they helped me to embrace life the way it is. Sixteen years on from my divorce I鈥檓 still single, but I鈥檓 also happy 鈥� just waiting for the world to catch up. 听

*Names have been changed.听

Mel Johnson